Just Keep Moving
I am a fighter. I fight for what’s right and fair. When someone says, “Life isn’t fair,” my response is, “But it should be.” And I fight to make it that way. I don’t believe I deserve more than anyone else. I’m not more special or more worthy than they are… but they’re not more special or more worthy than I am either. We are all equal, and we all deserve to be treated with the same respect. When that doesn’t happen, it causes me great anguish, and thus describes my 2017.
I spent so much time and effort this year fighting. Fighting for what’s right. Fighting for fairness. Fighting for the basic respect and human decency that we all deserve. Everything was a struggle. Nothing came easily. Even things that should have been simple turned into a battle. The constant daily struggle turned my stress and anxiety into depression and hopelessness. I was completely overcome with despair, and I didn’t know if I could go on… with the fight or with life.
I considered giving up the fight. But giving up the fight to be treated with fairness and respect would mean allowing people to disrespect me and accepting that I don’t deserve better than that. How was I supposed to go on and lead a productive life and have the confidence it takes to be successful in my career, relationships, interactions with others, etc. while simultaneously accepting that I was less important than others and not worthy of equal treatment?
I kept asking myself: Why is this happening? Why is everything such a struggle? What lesson am I supposed to be learning from this? I refused to believe the lesson was to quit, to give up and not fight for what’s right, so I kept fighting. And I’m relieved that a few battles may finally be over. But my anxiety isn’t.
This process changed me. I’m overwhelmed by fear, anxiety, and anger. I’m scared all the time… scared of going through anything like this ever again, scared of being bombarded by feelings and memories of past struggles, and scared of never being free from burdens of the past. Having this immense pain and suffering forced on me makes me angry. I’m angry, I’m anxious, I’m scared, and I’m suffering. I’m unable to enjoy things that I used to enjoy. I hate the person I’ve become.
So for 2018, my New Year’s Resolution is this: Move – both physically and mentally. I will move to a new home in a new state in a new part of the country, far away from bad memories and bad associations. Anything associated with negativity will be purged. When anxiety and pain from the past creep into my mind, I will find a way to move beyond it rather than let it consume me. I will move away from the past.
I realize that may be easier said than done. And I realize “moving away” is eerily similar to “running away”. But I’m exhausted, I’m in pain, and right now, there’s no fight left in me. I don’t know how else to survive and get through this other than to just keep moving.
