All or Nothing

All’s well that ends well. Or so they say. Specifically, it was Shakespeare who said that, but was he right? After all, he was a writer of fiction.

My New Year’s resolution for 2022 was to trust that things will be ok. Well, things ended ok, so…success? It sure doesn’t feel like it. I suppose I should just be glad things worked out, and I am, but if I have to kick, scream, and claw my way to “ok”, are things really ok? Things in 2022 ended well, but all isn’t well as Shakespeare led me to believe it would be.

This year I had some great successes, but the path to those successes was a metaphorical warzone. To be clear, I am grateful for the opportunities presented to me and for my accomplishments! But at what cost were they attained?

I went into 2022 intending to have a positive outlook and a healthy life: mentally and physically, personally and professionally. But instead of positive and healthy, 2022 was destructive and traumatizing. Even with the best of intentions and conscientiousness, it seemed that everything I did was met with resistance. Even basic, mundane life occurrences that are typically inconsequential immediately derailed into disaster, and when I diligently took steps to resolve issues, I was met with disregard or intimidation.

I spent the year fighting battles for basic rights and propriety that never should have been necessary and were out of my control to prevent or rectify. Pleading for help and resolution, often breaking down from sheer frustration and exhaustion, I was inexplicably and repeatedly countered with attacks and threats.

In the midst of those battles, I was fortunate to have new work opportunities come my way, and eager to make up for lost opportunities and income from the first two years of this new decade, I gladly accepted. However, it quickly became clear that the new projects came with their own set of problems. When combined with the battles I was already fighting, the mental toll they took on me, and the time required, it was all too much. Possibly for the first time in my career, I was not proud of the work I produced.

I did have the opportunity for some fun life experiences, travel, and return to normalcy for the first time in this new decade, which I also eagerly accepted. Unfortunately, that too was clouded by my dismal and stressed mental state caused by the never-ending battles I was being forced to fight and my looming, problematic work projects and deadlines.

Positive steps for my professional life led to disappointment and shame. Positive steps for my personal life led to stress and guilt. Positive steps for my mental and physical health led to distrust and disrespect. All led to depression, anxiety, and trauma.

In the end, things worked out. And to my credit, I didn’t give up. The battles ended with positive results. My work projects ended with financial gain and professional accolades. My personal life ended with memories of fun times and once-in-a-lifetime experiences.

Things ended well, but I am definitely not well. The stress and anxiety that I felt throughout the year hasn’t ended. The mere thought of the experience propels me into a downward spiral. Any reminder of that time or hint that I could potentially find myself in a similar situation again causes me to panic, and suddenly I’m trembling and breaking down.

At the risk of being overly dramatic, my experiences this year traumatized me, and I don’t know if I will ever fully recover.

It is for that reason that I am declaring 2023 a mental health year, and my New Year’s Resolution is this: If something is too stressful or has the potential to cause me stress, I won’t do it. My mental state is extremely fragile at the moment and even small things can push me over the edge. I need to prioritize my mental health to protect my life and my mental state from further damage.

I do realize it’s not possible to avoid or anticipate all stressful situations, so when I find myself facing a battle that must be fought or stress that must be tolerated, I will act quickly and preemptively in any way I can to lessen the stress and damage to my life. And of course, I will still work, but I won’t take on more than I can handle or projects that are uniquely complicated.

So, after further assessment, it seems that Shakespeare was wrong: All’s not well that ends well. But maybe his credibility can be redeemed. Shakespeare also wrote, “Nothing will come of nothing.” While I admit I’m using that line out of context, for my purposes I choose to interpret his words as follows: If I don’t put myself in stressful situations, I won’t be stressed. So that’s what I plan to do in 2023.

Let’s see if Shakespeare was right this time…